Stuff I Could Do Without

  • Dudes in public restroom stalls huffing and puffing like they’re passing a watermelon.
  • The phrase, “All that and a bag of chips.”
  • Online Lemmings.
  • People who insist on talking to me when I’m clearly wearing earphones and minding my own business.
  • Unwanted conversations about public transportation seating arrangements that interrupt good songs.
  • Vending machines that only have $1.50 “King Size” Paydays and not the regular size $0.40 ones.
  • Menudo. Both the “band” and the “food”.
  • Earthquakes just strong enough to be an all-day topic of conversation (i.e. “Did you feel the earthquake?”).
  • Unsolicited email explaining to me what phishing means and how to avoid it. Especially if it includes the statement, “Use a spam blocker” without acknowledging the irony.
  • Spam blockers that don’t work.
  • The “band” Pussycat Dolls.
  • Excessive or improperly applied air quotes.
  • Unfriendly or downright surly service people.
  • Poorly constructed sandwiches.
  • People who encourage me to splurge with zero insight into my financial situation.
  • 1,000% markup on clothing.
  • People who interrupt an interesting story with a boring anecdote and don’t steer the conversation back to a point prior to their interruption.
  • Ill-functioning hibernate mode on Dell laptops.
  • Overly forgiving media critics.
  • Media critics who obviously loathe the media they cover.
  • Media critics.
  • Heavy rain in late March.
  • Radio broadcast-only Sharks games.
  • Inappropriate speakerphone use.
  • Applebee’s.
  • Lame, uncreative and transparent excuses.
  • The term “Mashup” applied to non-musical combinations.
  • Dr. Phil.
  • Professional wrestling’s cyclical popularity.
  • Lung butter.
  • People who ask me for help and when I offer a solution or suggestion reply, “No, I don’t want to do that.”
  • TV show “seasons.”
  • FM radio, excepting NPR.
  • Smart people who cling to dumb ideas.
  • Oprah and her legion of suburban dweebs.
  • The term “Soccer Mom.”
  • Categorical decrees about technological limitations made by people who should know better.
  • Brokeback Mountain jokes.
  • Brokeback Mountain apologists.
  • Gay cowboys.
  • The Villiage People.
  • Wedding receptions featuring any of the following: “The Chicken Dance”, “YMCA”, “Mambo No. 5″ or “The Macarena.”
  • Creepy, earnest guys who think they have a chance with a lady who is clearly uninterested.
  • Anne Geddes.
  • Software that requires typing without spellchecking.
  • JavaScript.
  • Laptop mouse solutions.
  • The cliché “Living Legend.”
  • Street names, buildings and parks named after living people.
  • Allergies.

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