The Great Stereo Catastrophe

There were two sets of speakers that I was waffling between when it came time to make the actual order: One set was a pricey pair of Blaupunkt speakers and the other was a cheaper (but still not what I would call “cheap”) pair of Polk Audio speakers on special. Both were rated and reviewed well and were supposed to be compatible with the car and the amp I had purchased previously. Initially the Dutchfield rep talked me into the more expensive Blaupunkts but realized at the last minute that they were too deep to fit into the door wells, they only worked on the back deck. It seemed like that would actually work because the Polks fit into the doors so I got one set of each: Blaupunkt for the back and Polk for the doors. Done and done. They also indicated that I’d need lots of wiring harnesses, speaker wire and other peripherals to make the installation happen, a fact that had been confirmed previously by the installation places I’d called. So I had them add all that to the now remarkably significant bill and ship it. I figured the somewhat elevated cost would maybe make up for the time it was taking to get Nik’s Christmas present fixed up.

It didn’t take long for the stuff to arrive from Dutchfield, but of course once it did I procrastinated for a week or so before Nik got grouchy and sort of kicked me into gear. I called a bunch of the same installers and told them I needed an updated quote because I was no longer doing the subwoofer, but was instead interested in getting four speakers and an amp installed. Yes, I had all the wires and everything I’d need. Today, if possible.

Eventually I kind of arbitrarily settled on a local place, also nameless except the indecipherable code name “Dustom Audio Sounds” who got the business because another place (a slightly cheaper place) bumped my appointment to make room for a friend.

When I entered Dustom, the first thing I noticed was the manager’s distracted demeanor. He had a plasma TV mounted on the wall opposite the front desk and every time I spoke with him he seemed to be far more interested in whatever bullriding tournament or BET reality show was on than in actually assisting customers. But, I figured, it hardly mattered. What I was asking for must be so common, so typical that they refer to it via shorthand, something like “Hey, this guy wants a #3.” Like ordering a value meal. Replace speakers, add an amp: Cake. Right?

I spent that afternoon wandering around downtown, amusing myself as best I could considering I had no transportation other than my own two legs and there isn’t much to actually do downtown unless you’re really into getting your hair cut. Our downtown features the following attractions: One Subway chain restaurant; one coffee shop that closes at 3:00 pm every day; One deli that closes at 4:00 pm every day except weekends when it closes at 1:00 pm; one music store staffed by angsty-looking teenagers who respond to questions like “Do you have guitar strings” with blank stares as though they were really employees of the coffee shop next door but had simply gotten lost and put on the wrong name tag; and 4,623 hair salons, barbershops, day spas and manicure/pedicure specialty salons.

When I got back to the shop they took my money and showed me the car. It sounded sublime: Clear and very loud. I allowed myself a satisfied sigh: Maybe I was a couple of months late, and maybe I even missed Valentine’s Day (not that I stiffed Nik out of a V-Day present, I just didn’t get this overdue gift squared away in time for that, either), but by gum it was done. Mission accomplished.

I drove the ten minutes home enjoying the fruits of my labor. When Nik arrived home shortly after I excitedly ushered her downstairs to check out the new gear. She listened with a grin on her face for a few minutes, nodding along to the tune. Suddenly her smile faltered. “What’s that noise?” she asked. I listened closely.

“I don’t hear anything.”

“You don’t hear that little popping sound?” she insisted.

“No,” I said. She let it drop.

A few hours later we piled into the car to go somewhere and turned on the radio. Suddenly there was an unmistakable pop and suddenly the music cut out, replaced by an electronic hum. The hum changed pitch when the accelerator was pressed. I groaned. Nik fumed. I promised to get it looked at as soon as possible.

It turned out that as soon as possible was a couple of days later and I went back to Dustom Audio to find out what the problem was. I politely explained the situation and asked that they take a look. I watched as a technician crawled around in the trunk, fiddling with this or that wire on the amp, pulling off the door panel, popping out the head unit mounting bracket. Finally he called me over and pulled out the driver’s side speaker. “This is blown,” he said dryly. I asked how that could happen and he said, “These speakers are no good. I’ve never had anything but problems with them, they’re really cheap.”

You have to understand that while those speakers weren’t top of the line (not like the ones I’d purchased for the rear deck), they weren’t by any stretch of my imagination “cheap.” Shoddy, perhaps, but not cheap. I asked what the tech recommend I do and he said he’d get some better speakers in there. He just happened to have a couple of pairs in the shop that he recommended. Naturally.

I got on the phone with Dutchfield right away. I tried to remain calm, but I was pretty steamed. I explained that I had gone over and over the configuration with the previous product tech and I had been assured that the speakers would not be in danger of being blown. The customer service rep danced around the issue, alternating his story from “that shouldn’t have happened unless they were installed wrong” to “you have to break in a pair of speakers connected to an amp by leaving the gain down low and gradually increasing it over the course of a few weeks.” I told him that it had been professionally installed, so he stuck with the break-in period line for the rest of the call. Eventually I asked if I could get a refund since they’d sent me crummy merchandise. He said he guessed he could do that.

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