As one who has spent his fair share of time fretting about materialism, let me assure you that I get your point. We have even reached the point where if we buy an extravagance (e.g. big-screen TV) we find some needy individuals in our church and give the same amount to them anonymously. Which means we have to save-up double to buy something fancy. I personally struggle with the whole gift scenario so I truly grasp where you’re coming from. All that said, however, there is another aspect of all this to keep in mind. Gary Chapman, who conducts marriage and family seminars, wrote a book several years ago titled “The 5 Love Languages” and I’ve found it to be pretty spot-on. He discovered that people usually emphasize giving and receiving love with those they value in one of these 5 ways:
1 – Spending Quality Time (i.e. sharing undivided attention)
2 – Words of Affirmation (e.g. “I love you” “Thank you so much” etc.)
3 – Acts of Service (i.e. doing for the other person)
4 – Physical Touch (e.g. pats, taps, hugs, kisses, etc.)
5 – GIVING AND RECEIVING GIFTS.
Most people express love through 2 or 3 of these but one is usually the top priority. The point is, that to tell someone whose emphasis is #5, “Don’t give me any gifts” is tantamount to telling a #4 “Don’t touch me!” or a #2 “Just shut up!” Personally, I’m a #4 first and a #1 second. My least applicable way of expressing love is gifts. Ironically, your mom’s least is Physical Touch and, as you can guess, her top is Gifts. Over the years I have had to adapt my love language to meet her needs. That means that even though I may not have a clue what gift to get her, I really must in order to connect with her love language. And, although I cannot come up with a gift list to save my soul, to not let her give gifts to me is cruel to her. So, my appeal to you would be to consider the love language of others and, perhaps, allow an exception as an act of kindness to those whose language is “Gifts.” Maybe you could discuss with your mom something you could mutually agree on. Maybe the 5 Love Languages book! :)
Don-aka-Dad:
November 17th, 2011 at 5:42 pm
As one who has spent his fair share of time fretting about materialism, let me assure you that I get your point. We have even reached the point where if we buy an extravagance (e.g. big-screen TV) we find some needy individuals in our church and give the same amount to them anonymously. Which means we have to save-up double to buy something fancy. I personally struggle with the whole gift scenario so I truly grasp where you’re coming from. All that said, however, there is another aspect of all this to keep in mind. Gary Chapman, who conducts marriage and family seminars, wrote a book several years ago titled “The 5 Love Languages” and I’ve found it to be pretty spot-on. He discovered that people usually emphasize giving and receiving love with those they value in one of these 5 ways:
1 – Spending Quality Time (i.e. sharing undivided attention)
2 – Words of Affirmation (e.g. “I love you” “Thank you so much” etc.)
3 – Acts of Service (i.e. doing for the other person)
4 – Physical Touch (e.g. pats, taps, hugs, kisses, etc.)
5 – GIVING AND RECEIVING GIFTS.
Most people express love through 2 or 3 of these but one is usually the top priority. The point is, that to tell someone whose emphasis is #5, “Don’t give me any gifts” is tantamount to telling a #4 “Don’t touch me!” or a #2 “Just shut up!” Personally, I’m a #4 first and a #1 second. My least applicable way of expressing love is gifts. Ironically, your mom’s least is Physical Touch and, as you can guess, her top is Gifts. Over the years I have had to adapt my love language to meet her needs. That means that even though I may not have a clue what gift to get her, I really must in order to connect with her love language. And, although I cannot come up with a gift list to save my soul, to not let her give gifts to me is cruel to her. So, my appeal to you would be to consider the love language of others and, perhaps, allow an exception as an act of kindness to those whose language is “Gifts.” Maybe you could discuss with your mom something you could mutually agree on. Maybe the 5 Love Languages book! :)