Stuff I Could Do Without

• Dudes in public restroom stalls huffing and puffing like they’re passing a watermelon.
• The phrase, “All that and a bag of chips.”
• Online Lemmings.
• People who insist on talking to me when I’m clearly wearing earphones and minding my own business.
• Unwanted conversations about public transportation seating arrangements that interrupt good songs.
• Vending machines that only have $1.50 “King Size” Paydays and not the regular size $0.40 ones.
• Menudo. Both the “band” and the “food”.
• Earthquakes just strong enough to be an all-day topic of conversation (i.e. “Did you feel the earthquake?”).
• Unsolicited email explaining to me what phishing means and how to avoid it. Especially if it includes the statement, “Use a spam blocker” without acknowledging the irony.
• Spam blockers that don’t work.
• The “band” Pussycat Dolls.
• Excessive or improperly applied air quotes.
• Unfriendly or downright surly service people.
• Poorly constructed sandwiches.
• People who encourage me to splurge with zero insight into my financial situation.
• 1,000% markup on clothing.
• People who interrupt an interesting story with a boring anecdote and don’t steer the conversation back to a point prior to their interruption.
• Ill-functioning hibernate mode on Dell laptops.
• Overly forgiving media critics.
• Media critics who obviously loathe the media they cover.
• Media critics.
• Heavy rain in late March.
• Radio broadcast-only Sharks games.
• Inappropriate speakerphone use.
• Applebee’s.
• Lame, uncreative and transparent excuses.
• The term “Mashup” applied to non-musical combinations.
• Dr. Phil.
• Professional wrestling’s cyclical popularity.
• Lung butter.
• People who ask me for help and when I offer a solution or suggestion reply, “No, I don’t want to do that.”
• TV show “seasons.”
• FM radio, excepting NPR.
• Smart people who cling to dumb ideas.
• Oprah and her legion of suburban dweebs.
• The term “Soccer Mom.”
• Categorical decrees about technological limitations made by people who should know better.
• Brokeback Mountain jokes.
• Brokeback Mountain apologists.
• Gay cowboys.
• The Villiage People.
• Wedding receptions featuring any of the following: “The Chicken Dance”, “YMCA”, “Mambo No. 5″ or “The Macarena.”
• Creepy, earnest guys who think they have a chance with a lady who is clearly uninterested.
• Anne Geddes.
• Software that requires typing without spellchecking.
• JavaScript.
• Laptop mouse solutions.
• The cliché “Living Legend.”
• Street names, buildings and parks named after living people.
• Allergies.

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